Reframing Self
Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Care, and Self-Motivation. These terms are ever present in our culture today and considered a means to access happiness, success, and abundance etc. Self-Esteem and Self-Love are similar, yet very fundamentally different and this is where I see most of my clients experiencing a block or disconnection between their mind, body, and spirit well being.
How are self-love and self-esteem different? We often look for love and validation externally and undervalue the essential importance of self-love. For the amount of love we give to ourselves, there is an equal love that we can receive. With a core belief lacking in self-love, a resistance or deflection is created to love that does not resonate with our core belief- relationships suffer, opportunities missed, thoughts are impacted, emotions are in flux, and motivation and behavior decrease.
Self-esteem is rooted and governed by circumstantial experiences. I like myself because “I am smart, I did well on my test, I stuck to my food rules today, a friend texted me back, a friend asked me to hang out, I have this material item, Parent acknowledged my feelings today.” Circumstantial experiences are conditional and often explain why the worth we deem upon ourselves also fluctuates based on dis-ease with self and life’s inevitable ups and downs. You may think well of yourself and your competence in some areas and revert to feelings of self-blame, regret, resentment, and rejection due to others.
Self-love is an unconditional feeling of love for yourself and acceptance of the deepest parts of you. Self-love is steady and unconditional no matter the circumstance. You like yourself because and you love yourself despite the imperfections. Self-compassion, self-care, and self-motivation are a natural and effortless extension of self-love because it combines both feeling and action. These compliments to self enable you to experience your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors with intentionality, understanding, and empathy- the opposite of self-blame/punishment/criticism (linked to self-esteem). Commitment to yourself and your intentions must come from your heart (self-love) not from your head (self-esteem).
The below examples may have the same result in mind, however, the approach and language impact the journey and process!
Self-esteem goals: (restrictive, punishing, limiting, struggle)
· Lose 20 pounds and I will be happy.
· Make all A’s and then I can say I am smart.
Self-love intentions combine feeling and action:
(Open, effortless, aligns with your true self)
· I am energetic, fit, and healthy in my body.
· I am working hard and preparing for my assignments the best that I can.