It's All About Perspective
“It’s All About Perspective” is a mantra that highlights the power of dialectical thinking. Dialectical thinking refers to the ability to view experiences from multiple perspectives. A common pattern of thinking that we fall into often defines things in “black and white” terms. We are either strong or weak. We either love or hate something. We are either happy or depressed.
“It’s All About Perspective” and Dialectical Thinking emphasize the ability of two seemingly opposite states to simultaneously exist. This new perspective eliminates “BUT” and uses “BOTH/AND.” Life can be challenging AND beautiful at the same time. Your biggest struggles can also lead to your biggest assets. Being vulnerable can be really scary AND allow us to gain depth in our relationships and human connections.
“It’s All About Perspective” and Dialectical Thinking hold a flexible stance. A flexible mind does not accept anything as an absolute. A flexible mind asks, “What could be left out of understanding this situation, this person, this emotion, this behavior?” to help navigate life from a more open, flexible stance.
Let’s apply dialectical thinking to some common life examples. As a teenager, you may crave independence AND still want and need help from your parents. As a parent, you can impose consequences for behavior AND still love and know what is best for your child. You can have an argument AND still have a relationship with the person you argued with. You can be surrounded by loved ones AND feel lonely.
Take Away: Consider, what are examples of dialects present within your life?
Hints for Thinking and Acting Dialectically:
1. Move to “BOTH/AND” thinking and away from “EITHER/OR” thinking. Avoid extreme words: always, never, you make me. Be descriptive.
Example: Instead of saying “Everyone always treats me unfairly,” say “Sometimes I am treated fairly and at other times, I am treated unfairly.”
2. Practice looking at ALL sides of a situation and ALL points of view. Be generous and dig deep. Find the kernel of truth by asking “What is being left out?” “What else can I consider about this situation?”
Example: “What are the kernels of truth in Mom’s perspective of wanting me to be home at 10:00PM?” “What are the kernels of truth in my child’s perspective of wanting to stay out until midnight?”
3. Remember: No one has the absolute truth. Be open to alternatives and other perspectives.
4. Use “I feel…” statements, instead of “You are…,” “You should…,” or “That’s just the way it is” statements.
Example: Say “I feel angry when you say I can’t stay out later just because you said so” instead of, “You never listen, and you are always unfair to me.”
5. Accept that different opinions can be valid, even if you do not agree with them.
6. Check your assumptions. Do not assume that you know what others are thinking or feeling.
Example: Ask “What did you mean when you said…?” “What do you feel about…?” “What are you thinking about…?”
7. Do not expect others to know what you are thinking or feeling. Example: “I feel… when you…”