Prioritizing Moments for Connection with Your Child
If we were to take inventory of our interactions with our children, tracking how much we tend to correct vs how much we connect with them, what might you notice? What would your child/teen say from his/her perspective? If you took out a sheet of paper and kept track for a few days, what would it look like?
We want our children to succeed and provide them with helpful direction, but it can be easy to fall into a pattern where most of our interactions are corrective in nature. And despite good intentions, this can lead to exhaustion and added aggravation for everyone, and cause a breakdown in respect and behavior – accomplishing little, and ironically, probably the opposite of what you desire to achieve.
If what children feel they hear is constant correction or nagging, they’ll quickly tune out, shut down and miss out on the guidance that you can provide. Research shows that it takes five affirming statements or interactions to counter one negative statement or interaction! This doesn’t mean you have to be lax with ground rules and that there is never redirection or teachable discipline or consequences. It’s the context in which that correction is given, namely in a stance of connection, and our overall patterns of interacting, that we can be more aware of.
Why Focus on Connecting vs Correcting?
What happens when we focus on connection instead? When we jump in to correct, we may have missed an opportunity to build a deeper understanding. Focusing on connection allows an opportunity to understand the root of the behavior, which can lead to effective shifts and change, rather than simply focus on the outward behavior that is manifesting without addressing the why. It may even turn out that after taking a moment to check-in with your child and for him/her to reflect, that you may not need to be the one to redirect. If you approach the situation with negative assumptions for the behavior, you will experience your child through that lens, and reduce the likelihood that your child will open up, engage with you, and figure out for him/herself the reasons behind his/her actions.
Further, trying to give correction and expect your child to receive or respond to correction when in a dysregulated state is often ineffective due to our neurobiology. Under stress, our brain – and for children especially because the higher-level cortical brain regions are still developing – is increasingly geared towards more defensive/protective responses, rather than on accessing the logical “thinking” part of our brain, and the worse we become at listening to what people are saying, engaging in problem-solving, and considering the consequences of our actions. So, if we want children to be able to listen to us and make better decisions, we need to help them stay in or move to a state of regulation, with their defenses “down”.
What Connection Might Look Like?
You may be aware of and have implemented ways to connect with your child, but in the context of our busy lives, corrective automatic reactions and responses may be what show up more frequently.
Here are a few methods and principles that you may find helpful to start:
1) Dedicated time with each child regularly, ideally individually if you can – These don't need to be grand, time-intensive activities. The key is consistency in creating intentional moments that are meaningful to your child, where you are present and they feel accepted. If you see your child acting out more, that may be an indicator of a need for more connection.
2) Attentively listen to and genuinely validate your child's feelings – Let them know they've been heard and understood. Know there’s a difference between validating a behavior and validating an emotion; it doesn't mean you are agreeing with or supporting the behavior. A child is much more likely to hear what you have to say and engage in thinking about their behavior after you express compassion and empathy for what they feel and need.
3) Use hugs/affection – There's a reason why this is an instinctive way to show support; we need them! In a moment where they know they've made a mistake and might expect a negative reaction, a hug can do a lot to diffuse the situation for both of you. Plus, it’s an opportunity to practice co-regulation.
Emphasize Connecting With Your Child
The general principle is to emphasize connecting with your child – both built-in to your routine and before you jump into redirecting/correcting. It may take a bit more time, intention, investment and energy initially, but you will likely find a new rhythm with significant payoffs, that also impacts how they internalize what you say and how they feel about themselves. Connecting is a long-term strategy to build a positive relationship that lasts.
How The Mind Spot Can Help
The Mind Spot offers parent consultation sessions and joint sessions with your child. Make an appointment with Nancy Wendlandt or one of our counselors today. Meet Our Counselors to identify specific methods that foster greater connection and other ways you can best support your child.